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I have just started this part of my page, and hopefully it will grow soon. If u have any clean jokes please send them to me at dwak@dwak.dxball.org (Most of these Jokes I received by email from Jokes.com)
"Technology For Country Folk"
LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.
HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.
PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.
SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.
BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.
LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.
MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"
"Garlic Snails"
A man and his wife are fighting because for the last few months he has been coming home late from work (often 5 hrs late) very drunk indeed! Absolutely legless in fact. So his wife decided that she would give him one more chance before asking for a divorce. She said that on friday she would like him to buy her her favourite take-away meal and should spend the evening with her ... in a romantic fashion, wink wink ... nudge nudge. Her favourite meal is snails in garlic sauce, from the local French restaurant. So friday comes around and her husband does the right thing and buys some garlic snails. On the way home however, he passes the pub. As he was passing his friends shout out and call him in for a beer. He politely declines and explains his problems with his marriage. So they invite him in just for a half pint so he can tell them about his troubles. ... Five hours later he is smashed!!!! He stumbles home and falls up the steps to his front door, dropping snails everywhere. His wife hears him and opens the door. She shouts "Where the hell have you been?". He react quickly, he looks down at the snails and says "Come along boys .... nearly there!!!!"
Michael Jackson and Dennis Rodman where on sinking ship. Who was saved. The music world and the NBA.
A woman walks in a bar and asks the bartender if he has any peanuts. He says no. She comes back the next day with the same question and gets the same answer. She then comes back another day and asks him again. He says "No, and if you come back I'll nail your freakin' hands to the table!" So she comes back and asks him, "Do you have any nails?" He says no. "Well then, do you have any peanuts?"
What do you call a blond with a Chainsaw?
Dead
These three girls are out having a relaxing day by the sea. Out of the blue, they see and catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. Now, one of these girls just doesn't believe it and says, 'OK, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q.' The mermaid says, 'Done.' Suddenly the girl starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly - and analyzes it with extreme insight. The second girl is so amazed she says to the mermaid, 'Triple my I.Q.' The mermaid says: 'Done!' The girl starts to spout the solutions to mathematical problems that have stymied chemists, physicists and mathematicians since the beginning of time. The last girl is so impressed that she says to the mermaid, 'Quintuple my I.Q.' The mermaid looks at her and says, 'I don't normally try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I'd really wish you'd reconsider.' The girl says, 'No way, I want you to quintuple my I.Q., and if you don't, I won't set you free.' 'Please,' says the mermaid, 'You don't know what you're asking... it will change your entire view of the universe... won't you ask for something else... 10 million dollars, anything?' No matter how hard the mermaid pleads, she remains steadfast. She instists on having her I.Q. increased five fold. The mermaid sighs and says, 'Done!' And she becomes a man.
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 130 kph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 140, 160 180 and finally 200 with the lights still behind him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his licence without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!" "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice night", said the officer.
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally
says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and
falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that
will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to
crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he
stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into
his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand
up.
This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right
into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He
awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asks as he puts on an innocent look.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
What do you call 4 blondes at a four-way stop? Eternity
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, 'I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?' St. Peter replied, 'Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!'
Why don't you take a Pokemon into the bathroom with you? Because it might Pikachu.
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.' The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says 'I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.' The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot. The co- pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to move. The co-pilot replies, 'I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica'.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, 'No pets allowed.' The man replied, 'This is a special dog. Turn on the Sharks game and you'll see.' The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turns on the game. The guy says, 'Watch. Whenever the Sharks score, my dog does flips.' The Sharks keep scoring dropgoals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. 'Wow! That's one heck of a dog you got there! What happens when the Sharks score a trie?' The man replied, 'I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years!' Apologies to all Sharks fans, but as u can see, I am not one.
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